In previous blogs and on this mind-body website, I have mostly focused on the psychological side of TMS (Tension Myositis Syndrome). For those not familiar, TMS is a condition that causes physical symptoms such as chronic pain often attributed to structural abnormalities, but that are rooted in psychological factors, not physical ones. I am firmly in the camp that most people do not need to solve or find specific emotions or past trauma to heal chronic pain and other ailments using TMS strategies. I have also written extensively about how TMS symptoms are a distraction from painful repressed emotions and not a direct symptom of emotions. In other words, understanding and accepting that you have repressed emotions, past trauma, current trauma, stored rage, etc. is mostly where the TMS chronic symptom work stops for me. I very intentionally do not link specific emotions to specific symptoms to keep the symptom responses from becoming conditioned.
But often, I see that people are not even able to see or admit they have past emotions and trauma and that is when things get tricky. When that happens, and you start to consciously suppress subconsciously repressed long standing emotions, you have a recipe for physical TMS symptom disaster and a recipe for emotion discomfort as well. That is part of my TMS healing story and exactly what I did with my childhood trauma for years before becoming TMS and mind-body knowledgeable. I repressed it and was not able to even acknowledge the existence of my trauma. This was partially because, in the family I was raised, you are not even allowed to acknowledge or even talk about this particular type of trauma.
I have also written extensively about learning how to gain control of your pain distraction symptoms so that you can better deal with the emotions and past traumas, without the added distraction of pain and symptoms. So many do it backward and make emotional healing a condition for physical healing which is a mistake. I am in a place now where thankfully, TMS chronic symptoms are not a daily, weekly or monthly battle. I know psychologically how to control my former pain symptoms, and I can do this in good times and bad, happy, or sad.
Now, it is time that I must dig deeper and work on the emotions, reconciling demons and dealing with these deeper rooted emotional baggage and traumas that I had formerly repressed and/or been too distracted by constant pain and health issues to deal with. Most of my work now is not to solve TMS symptoms but instead to conquer the emotions my former symptoms were distracting me from. This blog represents a next step for me personally and I think it can help others too if open-minded.
Although my TMS story is well documented, I mostly held onto the outward dialogue that I do not have any significant emotional trauma that was the root of my TMS pain story. Although I do believe TMS is the result of an entire reservoir of emotions, my claims that I did not have any emotional trauma from my past was not entirely true and I have known and internally acknowledged what my deeper TMS trauma story was for a long time. I was not beaten or mistreated by any person with any bad intent, but I was abused by an institution and this abuse is normalized in our society and continuing across the country today. I have experienced and do still experience what is known as religious trauma. My guess is that this is not something most have ever heard of, but it is not particularly uncommon and if you are curious, here is a link that explains it perfectly and also a great resource for anyone dealing with the same.
I have said often to my wife and others that I am safe talking to that that I think it might be easier to come out as gay in my family than coming out as an atheist. After all, there is probably at least an argument that if you ask God for forgiveness and still accept Jesus, you are still probably good for heaven even if you are gay. But atheism? There is not any room for argument about where my afterlife will be, at least not based on the teachings of Jesus Christ from the Bible and my family and church leaders growing up. That is also probably why I have remained in the closet since I first realized I was an atheist as an early teenager. I played the game and pretended for a while so as not to hurt my family and very fundamentalist Christian close friends. Then there was a formal period of do not ask, do not tell that only applied to my religious beliefs, not any of theirs.
Religious trauma, in my opinion and personal observation, is among the most common and least known and discussed type of trauma out there. The reason that it is unknown and not discussed is the primary source of the trauma. For those that leave a long-standing religion, you wrestle with all sorts of deep issues. No matter how much you are intellectually confident in your life choices and religious changes, a lifetime of evangelical indoctrination including a threat of burning eternally in hell does not exactly go away overnight. And the “what now?” feeling is also common after exiting a religion. There is not a way to ask forgiveness or to get salvation from something you have no belief in. And even after you have fully dealt with and released many of these internal feelings like shame, guilt, and fear of God you still must reconcile your new belief with most of your religious family and friends that want nothing to do with an atheist or any non-Christian really. And you repeat the same cycle of guilt and shame but now for the disappointment you are to much of your family and friends. I unfortunately know and accept this but also have come to accept that this part alone is the largest source of the emotional trauma I have had to deal with and still deal with daily. Unlike most trauma you may encounter in life, I can tell you that religious trauma is a particularly painful type because, for most that suffer from it, even our moms cannot comfort us.
“We have in our society an assumption that religion is for the most part benign or good for you. Therapists, like others, expect that if you stop believing, you just quit going to church, putting it in the same category as not believing in Santa Claus. Some people also consider religious beliefs childish, so you just grow out of them, simple as that. Therapists often don’t understand fundamentalism, and they even recommend spiritual practices as part of therapy. In general, people who have not survived an authoritarian fundamentalist indoctrination do not realize what a complete mind-rape it really is.
In the United States, we also treasure our bill of rights, our freedom of speech, freedom of assembly, and freedom of religion. This makes it extremely difficult to address a debilitating disorder like RTS (Religious Trauma Syndrome) without threatening the majority of Americans. Raising questions about toxic beliefs and abusive practices in religion seems to be violating a taboo. No one wants to be pointing fingers for fear of tampering with our precious freedoms.
But this is the problem. Sanitizing religion makes it all the more insidious when it is toxic. For example, small children are biologically dependent on their adult caretakers; built into their survival mechanisms is a need to trust authority just to stay alive. Religious teachings take hold easily in their underdeveloped brains while the adults conveniently keep control. This continues generation after generation, as the religious meme complex reproduces itself, and masses of believers learn to value self-loathing and fear apocalypse.”
journeyfree.org/rts
It is not my intention to convert people to atheism, change fixed minds, or create enemies out of Christians. My personal background is with evangelical fundamentalist Christianity, but I also believe most organized religions in the world are perpetuating this type of trauma, not just to individuals but to entire societies. I know well that the religious trauma that I have experienced and am recovering from is not limited to those that choose to exit religions. I experienced more religious trauma while I was an evangelical wrestling with ethics, what I felt in my heart and how it differed from the indoctrination I was receiving. Religious trauma is also not limited to those struggling internally with their faith. The most faithful among us also experience religious trauma and some trauma will likely be triggered by devout Christians reading this blog. Those that raise children that leave a fundamentalist religions often experience the same trauma and feelings of shame, regret, and even fear for the possibility that their precious child is going to hell. It is so insidious when you look at these cycles from the outside. I hope that spreading the word about religious trauma releases the same weight off others wrestling with similar issues. This extra weight is as hard on emotional well-being as it is on the backs, shoulders, hips, knees, and stomachs.
If anyone is open minded here is a link to my own personal writing that is part of my journey for physical and emotional well-being.
An Open Letter to all Evangelical Christians from a Former Evangelical Christian
